The Silence is Mine

Friday, September 30, 2005

i refuse to forgv myself for e CRLESS MISTKs tt i md for my macro test this mornin. i knew thr was sth wrg smwhr and because of tt, i lost confidence and cldnt solve other parts of e qn which req'd ans frm e 1st part. they r all linked! i freaked out. my mind went blank. mental blockade mode switched itself on..and to top it all, e test was not tt hard..thr'll sure b full scorers..:( e gd th was i figured out wht went wrg after a 1/2 hr has passed and e bad th? well, i didnt finish doin it. so nw i think i shld b on e LHS of e bell-shaped curve. BIG deal. but i stil feel like killin myself. haii..

i mus hv looked realy run dwn coz when i saw jules ltr, she asked me y i looked so sian..hmm..i went for econometrics tutorial and i realy felt hopeless by then le..so i decided to buy my favfav heaven and earth jasmine green tea to cheer myself up. it was sold out @ e 1st vendin mach i saw, e 2nd 1's cashcard reader was faulty and i didnt hv shillings w/ me..how lucky can i get? finally got it @ e 3rd 1. i didnt knw gettin a drink can b such complicated biz. felt btr after i talked to eileen and aft my cls, met up w/ nana. and i told nana abt e screwed up test agn..gues all e last min studyin mus hv taken its toll on me..i jus feel like lettin e whl sch knw i'm a BIG fool!:(

btw nx fri thr's econometrics midterm test frm 6-8pm. e time is perfectly fine if i didnt finish @ 12..but it's not and i am. so i hv to wait 6 miserable hrs and for sth i dnt even want to attend if i hv a choice. thks alot. act we r allowed to brin in 1 A4 size helpsheet..so can some1 pls teach me how do i cramp 6 lectures worth of materials in thr? if e profs realy think it's possible, y not they teach for 6 lectures usin jus 1 A4 size of lecture note? hmph-_-. but nvm, i shall write so small tt if an ant happens to pass by my paper, u cldnt differentiate b/w e words and e ant. o.O

i need to catch up w/ my comp webcast. i hate doin webcasts, but sittin in cls is jus as bad. it is so BORIN. and e worse th is, i removed my s/u option. stupid me and my stupid trust in tt stupid lot. i hate myself. i'm forever makin e wrg decisions..whywhywhy?! but then i like to weave fantasies to console myself (those who r always ard me shld knw this haha)..say, wht if @ e end of ur candidature, to praise u for ur serious atd, in tt u didnt use any of ur s/u options, dean's offc says 3 unused s/us = 1 CAP pt..w*eet!woohoo~! then we'll all b rich:) so to all those who had alr exercised 1 or > of ur s/us.,TOO BAD lah!;P

yeah..right..as if tt has any chance of happenin.

but u cnt blame me for my state of mind nw. i mean, how can u bear to scold some1 who confused her minus signs and ltr even took (1 + 0.8) x 10 to be 9? i'm an incorrigible economist in e mkin. jus kill me.

Sharon | 7:41 PM
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Wednesday, September 28, 2005

i feel made used of.
i chose to believe u realised it's time u put in some effort.
i knw it's not my fault u missed 1/2 e lecture copyin OUR asgm..but..
i stil feel guilty.
i wish u understand wht it means to b responsible.

probably e reason y even tho w/ ppl i knw, i stil feel all alone durin lecture.

Sharon | 7:57 PM
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Tuesday, September 27, 2005

got back my teamwrk feedback durin mno tutorial ytd..was q stunned w/ wht i saw. e 1st words tt were starin back @ me were gd leadership..my last official leadership capability was in jc where i got saboed to b asst cls rep, then e cls rep which was a 超 nua guy didnt do anyth lah so i did almost EVYTH..includin tkin attendence even if ppl dnt come to sch..haha..truly for this proj i did md an absolute effort to mk sure i didnt fail my team but i didnt knw i were tt gd in their eyes..e feedback was full of praise *shy* (ok i knw some ppl r pukin..nw shoo!) i stil think it's e skill complementarities tt had built our wonderful team and i'm thkful for tt:)

thks cheewee, meiyan, geva, dingning, LUFFY (c i so gd, CAP u leh!), i forgot e last member's name :X this has certainly been 1 of e best projs i did!=D nwnw..companion resource guide..-_-"

tt aside, i got sth along AS1 corridor on my way hm ytd:

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

yup, e yellow ribbon.

it's pinned nicely on my noticeboard @ hm, but i'm wonderin did i get it because i supported their cause? ie, gv ex-convicts a 2nd chance? seriously wht they need is not tt pathetic $1 but a BIG heart so they can integrate into society once more. evyday when i look @ e yellow ribbon, i'll remind myself to do so. i'll try. realy i will.

i jus weighed myself, actually shedded 3kg eversince sch started..woohoo!~ jus a lil bit more and i'll b 45kg!! yay baby! mus kp up w/ my 减肥大计划！i wana look tanned and toned! some1 pls drag me to sentosa this dec!!muahaha~

btw, restlessness has become my best friend. i'm tired evy single min of e day..and i decided not to sign in msn til my test on fri's over..i hvnt been studyin much as it is..and evytime i sign in msn i'll get trapped for @ least 2hrs unintentionaly. i like to talk rmb? *sigh* i feel so 没用!

for those who stil dnt knw, to view chinese characters, go to View, Encoding, More, then choose Unicode (UTF-8), esp ppl who dnt like chinese, u shld LEARN to like it..:) i gv free chinese tuition on my blog..whahaha~

Sharon | 7:11 PM
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Sunday, September 25, 2005

decided to tk a brk..1 of my asgms tt's due nx wed is alr 1/2 done..phew~ and i'm gettin e momentum of preparin for the test on fri. to think i was stil contemplatin to get superglue ytd so tt i cld mk myself stay @ my deskchair long enough haha..:P

ytd was like damn happenin lah..woohoo!~ i went to wrk then talked to my ever fav mgr..so funny leh him..think we same freq coz we r bth econs majors..but like i always tell him "i'm frm nus and u r frm sim!!" hahaha..too bad..poor th lor always suan by me~ but he's super super nice!

after tt went to airport to shoot my proj video..meetin time was @ 2..by 210 all hv rched EXCEPT tt bitch and another guy lah.,who rched @ 230..i suspect she purposely 的。。。but nw tt e video shootin is over and i wnt hv to face her ever agn..i shall forgv her!~ *tryin hard to b an angel* e 1st time we were thr we took 4hrs lor..ytd we jus took 1.5hrs to shoot e same scenes..*clapclap*:) i luv my mno grp (minus 1 person) haha!=D all of them damn fun lah! we r e PERFECT TEAM!~

and then after my last scene i rushed off w/ another girl frm my grp..we were bth headin tamp..i had tuition..she alighted b4 me then when rched the stp le i tapped my ez-link on tt device and went off, readin an sms frm my proj mate while runnin coz i was late. then right i suddenly 发现 got this guy walked so darn close to me lor..turned out he was callin me..i removed my earplugs coz i thot i dropped sth and he wana rtn me.

he: hey r u frm nus?

me: erm yah (think he saw my ez-link card)

he: which fac?

me: fass

he: my sis is frm nus too
(like it's my biz =X)

me: oh isit

he: i went nus b4
(so?? u tell me for wht??! siaokia~)

me: ...

he: can i hv ur email add?

me: erm..

he: how abt hp no?
(as u can see he wldnt let me go unless i gv him lor and i wasted like 3mins alr so i dnt wana waste anymore time)

me: xxxxxxxx
(yes i surrendered BUT i hv no intention of makin friends, serious!!and then aft tt i felt stupid..i cld hv given him a fake 1 or my enemy's 1=X)

he: my name is philips..hey..then blablabla
(i was runnin off le lah so didnt catch e rest of wht he was sayin hahaha)

last night he called me BUT i didnt pick up ..too bad!frankly i cnt even rmb his face..coz it's like i was alr turned OFF by e fact tt he's fairer than me..HOW CAN U CALL URSELF A GUY IF U R FAIRER THAN ME??! looks so er xin lar can..:X opps..i mus hv offended many ppl by sayin tt..double opps..:XX

haha. but i feel q happy =X coz it's been a long time (way back frm last x'mas) since a complete stranger approached me for my no. lalala..ok i'm BHB..o.O then tyy laughed like siao loh when i told this story..hahaha..

haii..if evy sat were as interestin..-_-

btw i hv studyin companions leh..those mini ants on my table..i killed like 10 since mornin..i shld most probly stp eatin in my rm..and speakin of fd..i mus stp eatin junk fd! i hv ard 5 ulcers nw lar..exact no i'm seriously not certain..coz my whl mouth hurts like hell whenever i try to open it..think e ulcers r havin a gd time inside..BUT e prob is i cnt do 1 of my very fav activity nw:

I CNT TALK. *stamps feet*

BOO.

hope all of them heal tmr..or else my friends wil not receive any entertainment frm me. :( which is damn sad!!hahaha..ok think i took a long enough brk le, back to hit e bks!~

Sharon | 3:43 PM
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Saturday, September 24, 2005

recently i realised tt i hv been complainin alot. esp on schwrk and how i hvnt been able to get myself into "e ideal studyin mode". i realy apprc ppl who hv listened to my crap..ppl who visted my blog, left me tags, ppl who sent me smses and comforted me, ppl who asked me to quit my job, ppl who pacified me to study..i knw u all mean well and thks so much for jus listenin.,i knw it gets v irritatin because u guys cld b facin e same probs urselves.

i came upon sth today. i dnt knw wht i shld call tt but to put it bluntly, i saw advice? well..it's a long story..but i think obvsly some ppl hv had enough of my constant grouses abt life which boils dwn to y i call myself a spoilt brat these days. i knw i choose to wrk, i knw i choose not to revise, i knw i choose to slp 10hrs a day than use tt time for quality wrk, i knw i choose to let e music blast in my ears omw to sch while others r diligently readin their thick txbks.

i tried to fulfil my plans, i tried to mk sure i get by sch, i tried not to procrastinate, i tried to instil action to change the way ths r. i tried. i knw i did. but is it my fault i'm so tired evyday? is it my fault i hv to FIND time to rest also? i am but a human. i need to slp jus like the rest of you.

then agn, since it's my choice, i'm gota live it. i cnt promise i wnt complain abt anyth else anymore, as generally ppl wil b dissatisfied w/ life @ 1 pt or another. talkin abt it act mks me feel btr even if nth changes but i'm gona complain less and if i get on ur nerves, tell me, i'll jus shut up. it's realy ok, i'm sick of myself @ times too and no, i'm not surrenderin to those words i jus read because i realised i hv been unhappy and upset over ths tt i actualy DO hv ctrl over WAY B4 i read tt sth smwhr frm a 3rd party's view. so i'm not sayin thks to any1 for wakin me up. i hv alr woken up tho i'm stil lazin ard in bed. e fact is most ppl believe tt i'm jus complainin w/o salvagin and tt i cld change my own situation anytime i want. tt's wht it SEEMS on e surface. no1 understds and i dnt expect any1 to. even i'm confused by myself stms.

but if u guys hv any grumbles, i'm always here to lend a ear. :)

anyway, 3 things i wana shout and let e whl world hear:
1. my wrk contract got extended. i'm more happy than sad because my colleagues realy tk v gd cr of me.
2. i didnt s/u my comp gem. it was a last min decision. frankly i dnt knw wht i hv gotten myself into this time.
3. u dnt always hv to use e dull and drab road to get e ths tt u want. hmph. i'll shw u. jus wait and see.

time to go do my asgms le..2 midterm tests comin up..and hor i finished filmin my mno BUT e videocam a lil freakish lah so hv to refilm part of e scenes. off to e airport agn.-_- then thr's this bitch in my grp got atd prob lah. i realy mus tk a few deep breaths or else i'll jus 发脾气。。。bloody hell can. sian.

btw evy1 jiayou!

Sharon | 12:13 AM
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Monday, September 19, 2005

stole this quiz off jiahui's blog:

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is traditional. Without saying anything, both of you communicate with your hearts.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

think it's quite true wor..

btw i'm in sch nw..doin my comp proj..super guilty to see tt my grpmates r so into designin e site while i'm slackin away..but i'm s/uin ma..hur.. -_-

Sharon | 2:38 PM
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Sunday, September 18, 2005

looks gd:) comin sn eh..haha

donkey yrs since i last blogged..pretty much hv happened, which explains y i didnt hv e time, nor e energy to blog. :(

oh well..today is officialy e 1st day of midterm brk. and this time rnd, it's not tt i dnt wana start catchin up..i'm no longer fabricatin excuses..e fact is i hv too much stuff to do..like my comp and mno proj..bOo..hell..

ytd jus had my mno proj meetin..e proj is basicaly to film a 8 mins video on cross-cultural management. how cool is tt eh? e script, e scenes, e props, e shootin days..they r drivin me crazy..luckily most of them r under ctrl for nw..jus hope no last min glitches crop up ah..haihai..

after thinkin for like 2 wks..and changin my mind like a gazillion times, i hv decided to s/u my comp gem (stil subjected to change tho not a great possibility;P). i think e module is borin and i heard tt if e exam is ez then C+ cld b a super high score still..ok i'm risk adverse haha..but my comp proj grp mates r super enthu and they hv been like learnin new stuf so as to mk a super cool website (e proj)..i jus wana do e research..and extricate myself frm this kinda hassle..hope my grpmates understd..i dnt intend to put in much effort for this module (tho i'm not puttin in much effort for most modules @ this pt in time)..hur..-_-"

i hv 2 midterm tests comin up..omg~ haii..i dnt knw wht to say..mayb i shld staple a blank cheque aft i finish writin my name on e test paper..muahaha..ok i knw tt's not realy funny and i'm forever dreamin up ways to escape. ways tt will NV wrk..

mayb it's time to get dwn to real studyin le..ie..if i can find time..time is a scarce resource to me more than ever nw..hmmhmm..

to my nus friends: hv a gd midterm brk..amidst e studyin rmb to enjoy abit..recharge and revitalise for e tougher 2nd 1/2 of e sem ahead!

btw happy birthday, mummy!

Sharon | 11:52 AM
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Friday, September 09, 2005

since this wk is an odd wk, i only hv 2 lecs..which lasts me frm 8-12..haha..so off i went to meet wl for a nice catch-up..

fd, shp, a gd friend..i cldnt ask for more :)

i'm missin ppl lately, probably because of e hectic lives tt all of us are leadin. it's tt effort to cont to sustain friendships. it seems ez, but it's pretty difficult and it's a reciprocity th.

and btw, i had to hand in 2 asgms today..omg it's realy today tt i realised i'm not @ all familiar w/ e sch..and right nw i'm jus disturbed y am i writin "e" sch and not "my" sch..hmm..

i cld get lost in thr!! and i'm alr like a yr2?? WTH~

...

it's not my fault actualy. e profs' and tutors' mailboxes r so well hidden eh. they shld jus u knw, brin them hm and hide them under their beds yes? woo~ haha..opps..

ppl..end of wk 5..1 more wk to our 5days midterm brk. rest assured we r gona b suan by those ntu ppl who hv like 9days midterm brk in total..lol..poor us..

i need my bed @ imh. get it ready for me sn ya? :/

Sharon | 11:29 PM
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Tuesday, September 06, 2005

today i went to wrk..and my wrk @ ica is almost equivalent to my huge mt of hmwk eh. how cool is tt?

my life is a BIG BORE.

i hv to stifle a yawn evytime i think abt it. and e more i think, e more i feel so.. hmm..

then i realised i hv devted a v useful skill. u c, nwadays it's so common to b caught walkin in sch hallways ALONE. so pathetic. haii..i mean since when hv i done tt durin tpjc days? evytime it's a whl grp of happily chattin girls eh? so nw i decided i needed a new skill.

and tt's self-entertainment.

i'm pretty gd @ tt nw and i bet in no time i can go for lecs alone confidently. haha..i can b so engrossed w/ myself and wht i'm thinkin tt it scares me. <- unintended effect of uni education..*sigh..

i'm goin mad.

one day i might walk myself to imh..who knws..

Sharon | 10:52 PM
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Saturday, September 03, 2005

i woke up today feeling sth to be amissed. and then i realised it's jiayun's birthday!

HaPpY 20Th BiRtHdAy, gal!!

hope u had a gd celn today..:) <3 ya babe!

time realy flies yes? ok i knw i hv been harpin on this same old story agn and agn BUT i jus cnt help it and i'm gona repeat myself agn.

TIME REALY FLIES. haha. sue me.

i am gettin v sick of findin ans to all my asgms le. and those thick txbks r smilin sarcastically @ me evyday. they fill me w/ guilt and remorse and i'm not kiddin. they do. i wish i didnt had to do all of tt. i dnt want them to haunt me evy second of my life. as for those asgms (2 due nx wk) i'm worried if i cont to think my brain wil burn up can. haii..how..mayb i can bribe e prof or e tutor. mayb. or tell my tutor my dog ate up my asgm (v funny haha when i dnt even hv a dog). or sth lar. i jus wana get out of doin ths. i'm so sian.

how man. i need help lor. seriously. darn it. this is dnt knw e how many gazillion times i hv felt this way since the start of this sem. life sucks. truly. madly.

Sharon | 10:48 PM
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